Some thoughts to ponder...
1. I have kelptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
2. Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
3. Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French, and it's all organized by the Swiss.
4. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
5. HEADLINE: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
6. My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
7. Just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
8. A bartender is just a pharmicist with limited inventory.
9. The following statement is true.
10. The previous statement was false.
11. I may be schinzophrenic, but at least I have each other.
12. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
13. Kentucky: Five million people, fifteen last names.
14. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it the food.
15. When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine Fred.
16. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
17. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
18. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
19. I am having an out-of-money experience.
20. Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
21. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
22. I found Jesus. He was hiding in the trunk when I got back from Tijuana.
23. If you remain calm and collected while all others around you are in utter panic, you obviously don't understand the situation.
24. Birthdays are great for your health; the more you have, the longer you live.